When it comes to feeling safe our body and our brain are involved.
Recently I opened a cupboard, something moved unexpectedly and for a moment I thought it was a mouse. I’m not ashamed to say I shrieked loudly before realising it was only a falling packet. In those few moments I went hot and cold, my heart sped up and I was ready to slam the door shut and run.
A helpful other, who is less scared of mice, found the crisps. Their calmness in the moment let me know it was safe again. When we don’t feel safe it happens in both our brain and body. Past experiences trigger stress responses in the moment. Returning to a calm state is different for all of us.
Parents who have felt judged for not telling their child to calm down in the moment, when they instinctively know that would make it worse. Children who have experienced relational trauma are more likely to feel they are in danger and protect themselves from the risk of a past harm being repeated in their current situation.
This may present as them responding with such strong feelings that they cannot deal with the situation – a meltdown moment. Or, it may present as controlling behaviours that aim to deal with the situation so they don’t need to feel; the need for things to be “just so,” which often takes any fun and enjoyment out of the interaction.
Children who are struggling with anxiety around school are also going to have these strong responses. For instance, this may be hard for well-intentioned educators who have set up a beautiful learning environment that is overwhelming for a child who can’t cope due to sensory overwhelm in large groups.
How do we detect safety or danger?
Feeling safe relies on your nervous system processing signs that you are safe. When a child has felt very unsafe they start to look out signs of danger and get stuck in the struggling state. They are hypervigilant – ready to fight or flee rather than picking up signs of safety.
Feeling safe matters a lot, because it is the key ingredient in building trust. After we have been filled with stress and fear, returning to a sense of safety is different for all of us and depends on past and present experiences. Being with someone who acknowledges our feelings and responses helps us to regulate our stress responses by providing connection, and can build healing trust.
The SCAN function in our lumin&us app can help recognise the feelings, behaviours and physical responses a child (or a parent) is having, which can identify the state they are in. This can help parents and teachers better understand a child’s need for safety.
Being a safe base
Feeling safe matters because it helps you cope with feelings proportionately. It is often through
relationships with others; parents, teachers, therapists that this becomes possible.
In a family home, or a classroom, every child is going to be different. Emotional responses may be triggered for some and not others. We cannot simply tell children they are safe. They have to feel it in their body.
There are lots of things we can do to build relationships with children that help them to feel safe. It is important to remember that this can be a slow process, especially for children who have experienced relational trauma and not been able to rely on adults in the past. Trusting that adults can make them feel safe will be a new and sometimes scary idea, and thus requires a slow approach.
Tips for when you are stuck in the struggling state
The way we interact with others can help us to feel safe and be transformative.
- Increase consistency, predictability and structure and make sure that changes to the norm are prepared for. These day-to-day interactions slowly make a difference over time.
- Sometimes there are moments when you feel really close and celebrating moments of intense feeling can help build and strengthen the relationship.
- None of us are perfect so when things don’t go so well, try to respond in a way that seeks to repair what happened within the relationship without shaming. To do this think about your tone of voice and body language conveying safety through kindness and acceptance.
Search lumin&us on the App Store or on Google Play to download the App for free.
Charlotte Jenkins is the founder and a director of Beacon Family Services. She is an experienced social worker supporting children and families therapeutically using Theraplay and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. She is also trained in Sensory Attachment Intervention which focuses on helping children and parents coregulate their nervous systems to build their relationships.