Parenting any teen at Christmas can be a challenge. Rachel Staff explores some common challenges around Christmas for parents and carers of adopted teens, particularly around navigating tricky relationships and emotions. Rachel is a Beacon Family Services Associate and author of Parenting Adopted Teenagers: Advice for the Adolescent Years.
Ho ho ho-no: ‘Perfect’ family Christmas expectations tend to be (too) high.
The expectations of Christmas and particularly those of how family life ‘should be’ are all around us at this time of year. Shiny images and narratives, amplified by social media, film and TV adverts, can conspire with our own internalised hopes and expectations of the idealised family Christmas.
We do of course, know that this doesn’t reflect the messier reality of family life at Christmas for us all! For parents of adopted teenagers, the reality can feel in particularly stark contrast.
Parenting teens at Christmas can be a challenge for anyone.
Parenting any teenager is generally accepted as being a challenging period for a number of reasons. This developmental stage can be emotionally intense, parents can experience a lot of rejection and criticism, they may experience their teenager as self-centred and lacking in empathy, the pushing of boundaries and experimentation can feel unsafe and scary, and a preoccupation with friends and romantic relationships often takes priority over family relationships. Having all of these factors in the mix during focused family time at Christmas can feel exasperating and emotionally draining for many parents.
Parenting adopted teens can be a challenge with (Christmas) bells on…
What of the experience of adoptive parents? Adoptive parents certainly experience all of the above, but as an adoptive parent or carer you can find yourself facing additional layers of challenge. The ‘usual stuff’ but with bells on!
This blog highlights some of the challenges that adoptive parents often describe navigating with their teenagers. I’ll talk about how the festive period can intensify these, and the approaches some adoptive parents and carers take to try and ameliorate the impact of some of them.
Navigating tricky relationships with an adoptive teen during the festive period?
One of the key areas in which adopters face a lot more complexity is that of their relationship with their teenage children. Although all parent and child relationships change during this period it can feel particularly fragile and tumultuous for adoptive parents. These additional difficulties can come to the fore during adolescence because of the impact of early fragmented attachment relationships. The impact of early developmental trauma will also emerge in new challenges throughout adolescence.
There are a number of relational themes that can come into a more acute focus over Christmas. Three in particular are highlighted below along with reflections from adoptive parents.
Maintaining self-esteem as adoptive parents and carers
Adopted teenagers often struggle with their identity and self-esteem. It is also the case that the complexity of parenting their children at this stage means that parents can also struggle with their ‘parenting identity’ during this time. The transition into the teenager/parent dynamic can be disorientating. When this is particularly challenging parents can wonder: where did I go wrong?
Adoptive Parent
Parents make a lot of effort to make Christmas a special time for their family, but if their efforts don’t feel appreciated or reciprocated it’s hard and this can be a common experience with teenagers.
An adopters’ message to a parent’s group is important for parents to hear at this time of year:
“You have not failed as a parent! This is tough stuff; you are doing your best and it won’t be this way forever.”
“It’s hard to feel competent and useful as a parent when your child’s behaviour can be worrying and confusing.”
Adoptive Parents
It’s important that adoptive parents experience of parenting during the teenage is years is validated as different and often very challenging. It’s certainly not the case of ‘well all teenagers are like that’ [a response that parents often receive when describing their challenges]. Christmas can be hard for parents who are really struggling. Connection with other adoptive parents who ‘get it’ can help. Groups like the POTATO group can be a very helpful resource for parents in this development stage.
Parenting Adopted Teenagers | The Potato Group
Some Regional Adoption Agencies also provide ‘in person’ support groups for parents of adopted teenagers. My experience of setting up and running one of these groups was that it was an invaluable resource to parents.
“To know other parents with teenagers are going through similar experiences has been absolutely invaluable.”
Adoptive Parent
Parents can contact their local Post Adoption Support Service to find resources in their local area.
Reducing relational demand
Adoptive parents have reflected on how reducing their expectations of the relationship, understanding that they are doing their best to parent complex needs and ‘letting go’ of some of the expectations they have had of special occasions like Christmas can reduce pressure.
“I decided to ask for a very limited amount from him. Just eat the meal with us, join us in playing some games/watching TV if you want, if you sit in your room the rest of the day that’s fine…”
“If you can find moments of connection, some shared joy, take it as a win. Baby steps are the equivalent of winning a marathon during at this stage! My daughter asked me to help colour her hair, we had a brief window of chatting and laughing.”
Adoptive Parents
Managing the emotional rollercoaster
Teenage years are a period of emotional intensity for the adolescents themselves, but this of course increases emotional intensity for parents who are trying to manage this. Adopted teenagers have additional layers of emotional complexity such as loss, shame and anger. They may also struggle more acutely with emotional regulation. The emotional roller coaster’s twists and turns can feel dizzying. Parents too will be carrying their own emotional load over the festive period.
Reducing emotional intensity over Christmas can be tricky but some approaches that could be used include:
1. Supporting emotional regulation
Teenagers’ capacity for emotional regulation is limited throughout adolescence. It can be difficult for parents to maintain their own zen and emotional availability. Caring for their own emotional health is important. Self-care can feel like an impossible goal for parents who are in the midst of the fray but finding opportunities for this is so important. Christmas is a busy time but time out, whether that be for a walk, a coffee with a friend, a visit to the gym provides an important psychological break. It’s hard to pour from an empty cup – parents need looking after too.
2. Finding the balance of togetherness and time apart
There is a great deal of pressure for time together over Christmas which can be positive but can also feel overwhelming. Teenagers are in the’ I need you/leave me alone’ developmental stage. They may be more preoccupied with spending time with their peer group which can feel rejecting for parents who are asking for their child to join in with family time. This preoccupation is though, a developmental drive in adolescence and time with friends [if teenagers can manage friendships/many adopted teenagers struggle in this area] can be a helpful pressure valve during the holiday period. The use of phones and gaming can also be a way in which teenagers manage the intensity of family relationships when together. Negotiating a balance in this is of course easier said than done but allowing space for time together/time apart can help to balance intensity over this period and give parents an important break too.
3. Providing some structure and predictability
Allowing for the winding down and respite from school is important, particularly for adopted teenagers who often struggle with the demands of school. Later nights and mornings are also easier for teenagers to manage. They need more sleep than adults and melatonin [the sleep chemical] is released later at night than for adults. Transitions to sleep can also be more challenging for children who have experienced developmental trauma. Relaxed expectations around sleep and waking up routines is therefore important when possible. Parents though, will be all too familiar with the tendency to retreat to the bedroom to an unhealthy extent. Preplanning with
clarity about family plans that are balanced with low demand across the rest of the holiday period can be helpful.
4. Opportunities for curiosity and connection
We are all familiar with the idea that behaviour is a communication of emotion. Interpreting what behaviour is communicating with teenagers can be confusing though! Some downtime over the holiday period can offer the opportunity for slowing down and finding openings for conversation. An adopter reflected on realising that her daughter was struggling with worries about her birth mum during a car journey.
“We’d had a rocky time over Christmas she’d been moody and withdrawn. I was giving her a lift to ice skating and suddenly, she asked if I could find out whether her birth mum was ok. She hadn’t had her letterbox contact when it was due in the summer, and I didn’t realise it had been playing on her mind. We ended up talking about some of the memories she thought she had from Christmas when she lived with her mum. I felt bad because I’d been irritated with her but realised that Christmas had sparked a lot of stuff for her.”
Adoptive Parent
5. Choosing your battles
Conflict with parents is an inherent part of the adolescent stage but the spectrum of this can range from the mild to the extreme where families are having to cope with violence and a profound lack of safety within the home. Unfortunately, many adoptive families are having to live with the more severe end of behaviours on this spectrum.
Facebook Peer Support Group – Walking with Families
Parenting a child with experience of early adversity who has travelled through the care system can be difficult. Many families experience challenging, violent and aggressive behaviour from their children and this experience leaves many adoptive parents isolated and struggling.
This blog cannot talk to this more complex area, but adoptive parents and carers can access peer support at Walking With Families.
This is a weekly online support group on Facebook for adoptive parents. Join a peer community where you can share lived experience, challenges, strategies and mutual support. Hosted by Al Coates MBE, the group looks at topics that matter to adoptive families in a frank and forthright manner as well as identifying strategies to help. Al draws on his experience and training as a social worker and NVR practitioner to lead through the sessions.
◆ Supportive community
◆ Share advice and resources
◆ Non-judgemental safe space
You can email Al Coates to find out more: a.coates@beaconservices.org.uk
This group has been funded by Adoption England.
Local Adoption Support Teams
Parents can also seek support in this area via their local Adoption Support Teams. Wider information about Child to Parent Violence support is also available online and groups like the POTATO group can provide advice about this.
What adoptive parents are saying:
The following wisdom from adoptive parents may also be helpful for those trying to get through the Christmas period with minimum conflict:
“Choose your battles. Focus on the rules that matter [safety] and let other stuff go during frantic times. This can give you a bit of a break from being the family policeman as much as anything.”
“Having my own line on boundaries, even if they aren’t always followed, is important to me. I am clear about what I expect and why it is important to me [it keeps me centred and consistent].”
“When things get very stressed, I leave the scene temporarily, just to get some space to breathe and calm down.”
“When he’s rallying against the rules I try to remember what I was like at that age. It’s infuriating but I do get that it’s part of being a teenager, does me good probably to remember my own rebellions against my dad’s rules…”
Adoptive Parents
And finally… be kind to yourself as an adoptive parent of a teen this Christmas. Life does change!
Parenting adopted teenagers is an incredibly complex and often challenging stage for adoptive parents. This blog can only touch on some of the areas which may come into sharper focus over the Christmas period. Hopefully some of the reflections and approaches to managing this time may resonate with parents.
I am though, only too aware that the needs of the teenagers’ parents are caring for are deeply nuanced and impacted by a far wider range of factors than it is possible to discuss here. I am also aware that many parents will be approaching Christmas having sought help from systems that are not equipped with either the understanding or resources to respond to their family’s needs, compounding the distress that they experience.
I hope that adoptive parents reading this will feel reassured that they can connect with others who ‘get it’, either via the Beacon Family Services Walking with Families peer group or some of other resources mentioned. I end with a reflection from an adoptive parent who came out of the other end and is approaching a Christmas with young adults with different expectations this year:
“We are having everyone here this year and I’m actually looking forward to it! No doubt there will be some dramas but when I look back on those teenage years I don’t think we’d ever have thought we’d get to this place. If I had a message from my future self then…. I’d say don’t be too hard on yourself, be kind to yourself, life does change. We’re not in Disney territory but it will do!”
Adoptive Parent
Support for parents
If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families.
For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub for all families, or our Adoptive Parents hub where you’ll find peer support, school strategies, play-based therapeutic services and much more.
You can also explore our resources for instant support and read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog. In addition, you can try the lumin&us® app for parent/child connection.
Support for professionals
We work with organisations, professionals, schools, and charities.
We provide professional training to use our resources with families and in schools. We partner with support for families, support and supervision, and virtual workshop facilitation.
Rachel Staff is an Associate at Beacon Family Services.
Rachel is an experienced Therapeutic Social Worker, Service Manager and Team Manager with extensive experience of working within both the statutory and voluntary/charity sectors. Rachel is also an author; her book Parenting Adopted Teenagers, Advice for the Adolescent Years was published in 2016.
Rachel is an experienced trainer. Her areas of interest in both developing and delivering services have included: setting up and managing a specialist therapeutic social work service, creating and delivering therapeutic group provision for foster carers, special guardians and adopters, providing a consultation service for professionals in assessing and providing services for children requiring therapeutic services, providing consultation services in relation to service development for residential children’s services and service provision for teenagers. She has extensive experience in providing therapeutic parenting support for adopters, foster carers and special guardians/ kinship carers. Rachel also provides therapeutically informed supervision/reflection space and consultation for social workers. She is passionate about developing services that support both the professionals within them and provide good outcomes for children and families.
In her spare time, Rachel enjoys walking in the countryside, painting, all things art based and gardening.