One step forward, two steps back… who can predict the moves of the Dance of Adoption as the challenges stack? Adoptive parent Pete Brindley explores the value of holding onto hope when you navigate ‘failure’ or ‘regression’ after ‘success’ as an adoptive parent.

In my house (and nowhere else,) I have loved to dance. Occasionally, over the years, one or both of our two children have joined me and, for sure, there is no better feeling when the moves work in sync and we jive and laugh through a song. Nowadays, my left foot clashes with my right; my dancing is definitely a “Daaaad…” embarrassment moment and usually carried out alone (if at all.)

For many adopters, the whole process of Adoption and the living of it can be the most challenging, arhythmic, inconsistent, most joyful and awful “dance” that you have ever tried. Incredibly, against all odds, you go on trying, much of the time assuring yourself that it is useless and pointless (and if you yourself are feeling in any way useless or pointless, remember that, simply by being there, you matter).

Why is Adoption like dancing?

• Dance may be slow and ponderous; so too can the process of adoption; the wait for panel, the incredible clunkiness and delay in access of support
• Dance will sometimes be happy and incredibly rhythmic; so too can the process of Adoption
• Dancing can be the most connecting thing you ever do (as can Adoption, and the bond you begin to form with your child).

The “Dance of” Adoption is surely the most exhausting dance to (ever) get to the end of.

In many support sessions at Beacon Family Services, whether face to face or online over the last year, one particular question has been shared repeatedly by exhausted parents, many of whom are on an emotional brink:

“What can we do when navigating failure or regression following success?”

Where do our feet and our minds move next, especially when worn down again and again with a child’s unpredictable and often long-lasting challenging behaviours?

Parents and carers have often mentioned “small wins.” In the world of adoptive parenting, small wins can, for example, include but certainly aren’t limited to:

• Occasional breakthroughs
• New ways of thinking
• Support accessed that has been relevant and made some positive difference in their child/young person, siblings, family interactions.

Occasionally, these will be positive impacts that last and are sustainable. However, some parents will talk about further “failure;” of regression following directly after success. The dance of adoption alongside our children goes on, occasionally rhythmically where we MAY recognise a real breakthrough, but – more commonly – the dance can be unpredictable and exhausting.

How is YOUR dance of adoption going?

On occasions, as an adoptive Dad, I have just wanted the whole thing to stop.

When we just want to stop, sit, and move as far away as possible from everyone (including our family, and definitely the tornado that is our child,) can we ever pick ourselves up again?

And if so, HOW?

Firstly, remember this: You are NOT alone. This may sound glib, but it is true.

In Adoption UK’s Adoption Barometer 2025 summary of findings for established families, 42% described their family status as ‘facing severe challenges or at crisis point’.

Meeting with and connecting to people who share a similar journey/dance makes a real difference (according to many who join us in our Walking With Families Facebook support group). Just being with people – either face to face or in a room or online – who, like you, realise there is no magic wand and won’t ever be one in these situations. It’s restorative to get peer support from other adoptive parents who realise why you need to cry, and understand that it is very necessary to blurt out about how your child, other family members and their opinions are driving you to the very edge. In our Walking with Families programme, nobody judges; no-one ever points a finger and says “I would never do it that way” or “Just be more resilient” or “I wouldn’t stand for that.”

If all we can do within our groups is go on providing some sense of direction, and occasionally sharing a strategy that you may think might work in your home, it’s still important, because the most vital thing to (always) be carried is Hope.

And Hope is what permeates through every session we have.

Keep holding onto hope (and ideally hope that is shared with others), for without it there is little left to dance with.

Support for Adoptive Parents

Walking with Families – Facebook support group for adoptive parents living with #CCVAB (childhood challenging, violent and aggressive behaviour)

Therapeutic Support for Adoptive Parents and Families – Our resource hub is full of insights, resources, activities and programmes to help strengthen and build parent-child connection

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Support for parents

If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families.

For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub for all families, or our Adoptive Parents hub where you’ll find peer support, school strategies, play-based therapeutic services and much more.

You can also explore our resources for instant support and read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog. In addition, you can try the lumin&us® app for parent/child connection.

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Support for professionals

We work with organisations, professionals, schools, and charities.

We provide professional training to use our resources with families and in schools. We partner with support for families, support and supervision, and virtual workshop facilitation.

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