You need to be out of the door immediately in order to keep everyone on track for the day and you’ve just noticed your child does not have their shoes on. You’ve lost count of how many times you’ve asked them to get ready and then it happens. Before you know it, you’re saying things you don’t mean in a tone you didn’t intend to show and now everyone is upset.
Why do children have meltdowns?
One of the first things we talk to parents who are dealing with challenging behaviours at home about is why a child might have a spectacular meltdown. In sessions with parents, we talk about how the brain works and how children communicate through their behaviour.
If children think we don’t understand them and they feel they are not getting what they think they need, we can see them responding with a meltdown. Think of when you refuse your child another biscuit, or they have a meltdown over screentime.
Children have to learn to trust that their parents:
- Know what they need
- Know how to keep them feeling safe
- Can help them manage stress.
It’s natural for parents to struggle to cope with meltdowns. It’s instinct.
Inevitably, after talking through why a child may behave in a particular way, parents usually feel guilty that they weren’t able to ‘hold it together’ better for their child. They wish they could have been patient for 5 minutes more about that extra biscuit, that screentime or those shoes.
It’s at these times that, as a therapist, I remind them that we all have the same brain structure with the same instinct to fight off things that make us feel vulnerable or threatened. It’s not unexpected that our child’s uncooperative behaviour can sometimes stretch our capacity remain calm and in control.
We all have a point where we can’t stay calm or remain patient or accepting. Just like our children, we can be pushed outside of our tolerance levels. In moments when we are scared of not achieving our goal – be it getting a biscuit or getting the children to school on time – our thinking brain goes offline. In that moment, instead of thinking reasonably, we act or react and do only what is necessary to survive.
Managing meltdowns – staying calm as a parent where possible
When our children are having a ‘meltdown’, the best thing a parent can do is to stay calm and patient so that their child can return to a calmer state. However, this is easier said than done.
As parents, learning to recognise that we all have a window of tolerance helps us think about how we cope with the inevitable pressures that come with being a parent.
It is the role of the adult to take responsibility for the times we ‘flip our lid’ (as it is referred to by renowned psychologist, Dan Siegel) and to model how to repair relationships with our children. This shows that we care and support one another.
You can see Dan’s explanation of the science behind it below.
Every parent I have ever met, including myself, has experienced a ‘flipping your lid’ moment. Parenting can be stressful and challenging.
What to do when your child has a meltdown
Luckily, there are some things you can do which can help you remain calm and in control.
- Remember that “flipping your lid” can happen. It can be a sign that you are experiencing a high level of stress and may need to make some space for yourself.
- Breathe. If you feel you may be losing control, take a few deep breaths to slow down your heart rate. This will send powerful messages to your brain that everything is well.
- Call on someone in your support network to help you take a step away. Learning to accept you have a window of tolerance helps you work out when you need to call on this support.
- Apologise. This shows your child that even when you have been angry and upset you still love and care for them. It shows that you value your relationship with them far more that any disagreement about behaviour.
Further support for parents
If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families including our Connect For Kids Theraplay® group and parent workshops on a variety of topics, as well as access to peer support groups.
For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub.
You can also explore our resources for instant support, including newsletters, online support groups, and much more. You can also read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog.
Charlotte Jenkins is the founder and director of Beacon Family Services. She is an experienced social worker supporting children and families therapeutically using Theraplay® and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy(DDP)M. She is also trained in Sensory Attachment Intervention which focuses on helping children and parents coregulate their nervous systems to build their relationships.
For more information, contact charlotte@beaconservices.org.uk.