Every week we meet with parents who have been dealing with their children’s feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, and disappointment while they are also trying to deal with those feelings themselves. Co-regulating emotions isn’t as easy as social memes can suggest.
Parents of children who have faced early adversity, such as neurodivergent or adoptive / fostered children, can feel as if they are in a small boat on rough seas, trying very hard to navigate away from the rocks.
You may be familiar with the social meme pictured: ‘When their storm meets our calm, co-regulation occurs’.
While seemingly sensible and sound on the surface, regulating or co-regulating emotions is never that simple, quick or easy.
Why is co-regulation important for children?
Co-regulation is important for children because it is an essential building block for them to develop the ability to regulate their own emotions.
Throughout the day we all move between states of feeling safe, struggling and drowning. It happens every time a child is cuddled, disciplined, smiled at, teased, shouted at, played with, ignored or asked to wait.
Emotions are not only thoughts, but feelings within our bodies. Children do not come into the world pre-programmed to cope with these intense emotions.
Babies cannot calm themselves; they need a trusted adult to soothe and reassure with comfort, food and attention.
It is with repeated experiences of this care that babies stop being overwhelmed, learn to trust their carer and begin to manage big feelings through co-regulation. At this stage of development, ‘our calm’ meeting ‘their storm’ can be straightforward.
Co-regulation isn’t a quick or easy process for children experiencing early adversity
At Beacon Family Services, we know that experiencing a safe and trusting environment where children feel content, confident and comfortable is essential within relationships.
For some children who have experienced early adversity, ‘our calm’ will have little affect on ‘their storm.’
- For children who have been adopted or are being fostered, it will take time before they can trust their adoptive or foster parents and feel safe.
- For autistic children or those with ADHD, their sensory needs make it more difficult for parents to work out how to soothe their storm and provide reassurance and comfort.
In these examples, co-regulation rarely happens quickly, regardless of how calmly we weather our child’s storm. Suggesting to parents that their children’s behaviours will improve if they just calm down is overly simplistic at best, and, at its worst, it’s insulting.
Parents in the storm need their own emotional map.
Parents don’t often feel as though they are on a calm sea. They are also in the storm, struggling on the rocks or even drowning. For families trying to navigate in a storm of swirling emotion, we offer support through mapping their emotional world.
Because our (relation)ships don’t always sail on a calm sea, parents and carers need to be able to:
- Recognise the early warning signs
- Be prepared for all conditions
- Navigate safely, according to the prevailing conditions.
We find that when parents develop a map of their own emotional world as well as their child’s, they are able to prepare for and navigate their children’s storms – and their own.
At Beacon Family Services, we believe parents shouldn’t be made to feel as though they are failing if they are not always calm. That is why we are dedicated to developing resources and therapies to support parents’ and carers’ emotional wellbeing and understanding of the link between thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
Rooted in play therapy and based on neuroscience, our free lumin&us® app is designed to help you experience connection through playful, fun and engaging and quick activities perfectly matched for when children are feeling SAFE, are STRUGGLING or when they feel like they are DROWNING. Using this resource regularly can help you reconnect and be in tune with your child.
Safe, Struggling, Drowning Poster based on Dr Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory
Further support for parents
If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families including our Connect For Kids Theraplay® group and parent workshops on a variety of topics, as well as access to peer support groups.
For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub.
You can also explore our resources for instant support, including newsletters, online support groups, and much more. You can also read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog.
We work with organisations, professionals, schools, and charities.
We provide training to use our resources with families and in schools. We partner with professionals, commissioners and organisations to provide in person and online support for families, professional development and training and support and supervision.
Charlotte Jenkins is the founder and director of Beacon Family Services. She is an experienced social worker supporting children and families therapeutically using Theraplay® and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy(DDP)M.
For more information, contact charlotte@beaconservices.org.uk.