This guide helps parents to spot the signs of their child’s anxiety and nurture connection through a safe environment and communication.

We talk about anxiety a lot these days and for good reason.  Rates of diagnosable mental health conditions in children have skyrocketed. Around 1 in 5 children (NHS 2023) are now thought to have a diagnosable mental health condition, and anxiety is one of the biggest factors affecting their wellbeing.

These numbers leave some people deeply concerned and others dismissive, assuming it’s all down to “soft” parenting or overprotection.

Everything from smartphones, pandemic disruption, and excessive exam pressure to parenting styles and screen time gets blamed.

But behind the debate are real children with parents, carers and teachers doing their best to help children who just don’t respond to traditional approaches, which can seem to make things even worse.

What Does Child Anxiety Look Like?

Anxiety can interfere with friendships, school attendance, curiosity, hobbies, and everyday joy.

Child anxiety can show up as:

• Tummy aches
• School refusal or school-related overwhelm
• Anger
• Tears
• Silence
• …or even perfectionism.

At its heart, a child’s anxiety is a response to the world feeling unsafe.  I see this anxiety a lot in children who have experienced:

• Early trauma, abuse, or neglect
• Separation from or loss of caregivers
• Neurodivergence (diagnosed or suspected ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia)

In all these cases, anxiety is not “just in their head.” It’s a real response to stress, overwhelm, and mismatch with their environment.  It may not be the intention of others to cause anxiety, but this is the child’s response.

Your Child’s Environment Matters a Lot

All children, including those with a history of trauma or neurodivergence, have places, people, and times where anxiety eases. That tells us something powerful.  Our environment shapes anxiety, sometimes even more than any diagnosis.

Of course, for many parents, this brings another kind of anxiety:

“Without a diagnosis, will my child get the adjustments they need?”

This worry is real, and the system doesn’t always make it easy.

But recognising what does help gives you somewhere to start as a parent or educator, even without labels.

What helps your anxious child can often involve:

• Predictable routines
• Consistent trusted adults
• Safe spaces

This doesn’t look the same for every child, so be curious.

One child recently told me that what made her unsafe was when her teacher asked about her anxiety and then told her “I don’t see it that way”.  She explained whenever they said that, she stopped listening because she was panicking, they didn’t get it.

While many educators are beginning to learn about nervous system responses, it’s important to remember that most were not originally trained in coregulation strategies. They carry the responsibility of caring for large groups of children, often within frameworks that rely heavily on traditional behavioural approaches.

Here at Beacon Family Services, we advocate for greater support and training for educators, so that all children, especially neurodivergent learners, can thrive.

When Anxiety Becomes Perfectionism

Some anxiety is normal, and even useful.

Anxiety helps us prepare, take care, and make safe choices.  It is good to affirm this for children by accepting their anxiety as present.

But when anxiety starts demanding perfection and tells us we must never fail or fall behind, it becomes a trap.  Then we also need to be alongside children, accepting their feelings and helping them recognise their limits.

I play a lot of clapping games with children to help them see you can’t get the rhythm and synchrony right all the time. You can watch this clapping game on Youtube as an example.

Trying (and failing) is part of the fun.

Social media creates extra pressure for young people.

Social media, we all understand, can make things worse – particularly for teenagers establishing their identities. When young people (and adults) compare their real, messy lives to the filtered and curated lifestyles of others on social media, it’s no wonder many young people feel like they’re not enough.

Some children will stubbornly refuse to do the things that cause them anxiety.

It’s easy to see this as avoidance or defiance. Often, it’s simply a child’s way of trying to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed.

A child’s confidence, skills and emotions can delvelop over time.

In childhood, nothing is fixed. Confidence, skills, emotions are all constantly developing.

When children feel scared, their natural response can be to shut down to keep themselves safe. Trying to push through this rarely helps.

Parents have often told me that when they slow down in those overwhelming moments – giving time, patience, and calm – their children eventually try again, with support.

Childhood is about learning that feelings change, fears can shrink, and new possibilities are always ahead.

Is Anxiety Always Medical?

Medicalising anxiety can be helpful if it opens access to support. But we need to be careful not to send the message that all anxiety is a feature of poor mental health, or intrinsic and permanent.

Many people overcome anxiety.  We all love stories of those who overcome their fears.

Many others learn to manage anxiety by building lives that feel safer and less overwhelming.

One child after attending Theraplay® sessions with their parents put it beautifully:

“I have more confidence. Even my teachers have commented how I am talking to others and joining in. It isn’t big enough yet to jump out of an aeroplane, but it’s getting there.”

In other words, anxiety is real, but it’s helpful to remember it’s not fixed. Change is possible with the right environment.

What Can Parents Do to Support their Child’s Anxiety?

You don’t need to solve anxiety.

Helping children know anxiety is part of being human and they are not alone with it can be affirming to a child who is wondering how to fit in and feel seen.

In younger children, we often notice their anxiety before they tell us. Developmentally, younger children don’t yet have the language for complex reflection.

Parents can help anxious younger children notice what they need.

We can attune to younger children when they experience anxiety that they aren’t aware of to help them notice what they need.

Here are a few ideas:

This approach will move you away from trying to convince a child to do something they are sure isn’t going to be OK.  Using our relationship with a child creates trust and safety. As a parent (or teacher), being calm and present helps that child feel safe, even if you don’t have the answers.

Alongside this approach to communication, an environment that offers quiet contained spaces can help a child regain their sense of safety.  Building dens is a happy childhood memory for many parents, and it comes with lots of benefits.

Exploring limits to help children navigate a complex world…

And here’s another important idea we sometimes shy away from:

Part of growing up is learning that the world can’t always be structured around our wants and needs.

Helping children cope with limits, wait times, and shared spaces isn’t unkind; it’s compassionate and healthy. These lessons, offered with patience and empathy, help children build the skills they need to navigate a complex world.

Anxiety may be rising, but so is awareness, support, and compassion. Our lumin&us® app, designed by therapists, offers regular check-ins and gentle prompts to help both you and your child understand your thoughts and feelings and find shared play activities that create safety.

Further support for parents

If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families including our Connect For Kids Theraplay® group and parent workshops on a variety of topics, as well as access to peer support groups.

For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub.

You can also explore our resources for instant support, including newsletters, online support groups, and much more. You can also read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog.

We work with organisations, professionals, schools, and charities.

We provide training to use our resources with families and in schools. We partner with professionals, commissioners and organisations to provide in person and online support for families, professional development and training and support and supervision.