When your child is acting out, withdrawing, or constantly in trouble, it’s easy to feel stuck and scared.
You might be thinking: What’s wrong? Will they grow out of this? What if I’m missing something big?
These worries are real and they’re heavy. But here’s something I want you to know:
You don’t have to have the answers right now. Just beginning to think differently about your child and about yourself is a powerful first step.
As a parent, you matter more than you think. The way you see, understand, and respond to your child has incredible power, even when things feel out of control.
It Starts with Your Relationship and That’s a Strength, Not a Blame
Parents often feel judged when things go wrong. I’ve been told by parents and know as one myself that the voice in your head saying “I should be able to manage this” can be loud and persistent.
But here’s what I know from many years of working with families:
You are the person who knows your child best. You’ve already figured out so much about who they are, what they need, and when things feel off.
I have noticed sometimes what helps isn’t expert advice, but a safe space for parents to slow down and really think.
What You Can Reflect On
Here are a few questions parents have found helpful not to “fix” everything, but to make sense of what may be happening which can help shift how you see your child and yourself.
1. What’s their story?
Think about what’s shaped your child not just their personality, but what they’ve lived through.
- What do you already know about their early experiences, transitions, or challenges?
- What might their behaviour be communicating?
I support adopted children who have experienced changes of caregivers and this can make them very anxious, fiercely independent or very controlling. I support children who have very sensitive sensory responses and need a parent close to keep their world manageable.
Children are learning to make sense of their world and their responses will grow and shift over time when they have been helped to make sense of them. It can be helpful to hold in mind:
“My child isn’t being difficult to me… maybe they’re having a difficult time and need me.”
2. What’s your story?
We all carry patterns from our own childhoods about how we deal with big feelings, closeness, and control.
- What did you learn about how to stay safe in relationships?
- What rules about being part of a family or emotions did you grow up with that may work less well in your current family? Or be different from your coparents?
This isn’t about who’s right, or blame. It’s about giving yourself permission to reflect, grow and do things differently.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
You don’t need a therapist to start this journey.
Sometimes, talking to someone you trust – like a partner or friend who listens without jumping in to try to fix things – can be just as powerful.
Look for someone who can sit with you in the mess, not clean it up.
Even pausing and asking yourself these questions (write your answers down if you like) can create space to think differently.
And if you’re looking for a way to build this reflection into everyday life, our app lumin&us offers gentle prompts and regular check-ins to help you tune into both your own and your child’s thoughts and feelings.
Being a Good Enough Parent: Tiny Shifts Matter
You won’t get everything “right.” No one does. But what matters most is building connection in the moment. Studies show we don’t need to be connected and ‘in sync’ with our children 100% of the time – we can enjoy connection some of the time, and build on the moment. Tiny shifts like allowing a moment to connect with our own feelings can make a difference.
Take a moment to reflect and ask yourself…
- Can you spot one time today where your child needs comfort, not correction?
- Can you offer curiosity instead of control?
- Can you give yourself the same compassion you’re trying to give them?
These small shifts in thinking can add up and make us feel closer to our child and better about ourselves as parent. They build trust, safety, and the kind of relationship that helps children grow and thrive.
If you ever do want more structured support, there are services out there (like ours – see below) that can help. We make parents central to all our therapeutic work.
You are never powerless. Even before you ask for help, you’re already making a difference just by reflecting.
Want a conversation starter with yourself or someone you trust? Try this:
“What was going on for me when things felt hard with my child this week?”
“When do I feel most connected to them?”
“What did I learn about parenting that I want to keep and what might I want to let go of?”
Further support for parents
If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families including our Connect For Kids Theraplay® group and parent workshops on a variety of topics, as well as access to peer support groups.
For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub.
You can also explore our resources for instant support, including newsletters, online support groups, and much more. You can also read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog.
We work with organisations, professionals, schools, and charities.
We provide training to use our resources with families and in schools. We partner with professionals, commissioners and organisations to provide in person and online support for families, professional development and training and support and supervision.
Charlotte Jenkins is the founder and director of Beacon Family Services. She is an experienced social worker supporting children and families therapeutically using Theraplay® and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy(DDP)M. She is also trained in Sensory Attachment Intervention which focuses on helping children and parents coregulate their nervous systems to build their relationships.
For more information, contact charlotte@beaconservices.org.uk.