After more than two decades of supporting parents, especially those raising children through adoption or foster care I’ve come to expect one question more than any other:

“Why is my child lying… and should I be worried?”

It’s the kind of worry that snowballs. First, there’s the lie. Then the hurt. Then the fear: What does this say about my child? Are they hiding something more? Will they lie to teachers, friends, or worse the police when they’re older? Am I doing enough as a parent?

But lying, like so many things children do, isn’t always what it seems. In fact, it’s been around in children’s stories for generations. Think of Brer Rabbit, outsmarting Fox with clever tricks and fibs not because he’s “bad,” but because he’s trying to survive. Or The Emperor’s New Clothes, where truth and lies get tangled until a single child, unfiltered and honest, blurts out what everyone else is pretending not to see.

In fairy tales, lying is often a strategy. It’s a tool. It tells us something about fear, power, safety, or how we make sense of the world. It points out to us its rarely simple.

Why Children Lie

Whether your child is telling you they didn’t eat the last biscuit (while still chewing it) or claiming they’ve done their homework when they haven’t, lying often serves a purpose. Young children are working out what will be well received or may be punished. They may lie to avoid getting in trouble, older children to protect a friend, and teens to gain independence or privacy.

The University of Waterloo’s research team, including Kang Lee and colleagues, designed a study in 2011 that observed children in their homes. They left them in a room with something they were told not to touch. And, and guess what? Lots of the children lied about whether or not they did touch! The research found that 96% of children lie at some point.

In case you are thinking that’s OK but do they all lie as often as my child the research team also noted that four-year-olds lie every two hours, and six-year-olds every hour. This isn’t a sign that children are not taking on values we cherish. It’s evidence that their social thinking is developing. As children grow, they begin to understand what others believe and expect (called theory of mind). With increased brain development, especially in memory and planning (called “executive function”), they get better at constructing believable stories.

This means that lying is a cognitive milestone one that, ironically, shows your child is learning how to take another’s perspective.

Lying as Protection, Not Defiance

Pamela Meyer, in her TED Talk How to Spot a Liar, says adults lie about twice a day often to protect feelings, avoid conflict, or shape how we’re seen.

Children do the same. They’re working out what others know, what’s safe to say and how to manage fear or get needs met. It’s important parents don’t co-operate with lies.

For children who’ve experienced relational trauma, who may have been removed from birth families, moved between carers, or had safety threatened, truth can feel dangerous.

Lying, then, becomes a way to stay connected. Not to deceive you, but to protect themselves. To test your reaction. To shield from shame. To manage the unbearable worry that if you really knew what happened, you might love them a little less.

For children with ADHD, executive functioning challenges can also affect how they recount events. It’s not always about intent. Time-blindness, memory gaps, impulsivity, and intense emotional responses can jumble the story before it even leaves their mouth. The result may look like lying, but what you’re seeing is often a child trying to manage overwhelm, not manipulate you.

Instead of reacting or pretending to believe the lie parents should get curious. “That’s an interesting story. What made you say that?” This helps you stay connected to the child behind it.

What Lying Triggers in Parents

Despite its developmental roots, lying can stir powerful emotions in parents. Many worry about broken trust or whether their child is “becoming dishonest.” Others fear the snowball effect: “If they’re lying now, what will happen in their teenage years?”

Some parents especially those whose children are neurodivergent or have experienced trauma may also worry about their child’s impulsivity.

What You Can Do

Worry less about the lie and the finding the truth than the development of a culture where sharing what has happened honestly is of greatest value. Research has gone further in what helps children tell the truth. It points to placing value on sharing truth over punishing lying.

This makes sense as the feeling of shame is one that often closes off connection. Feeling a capacity to reconnect and put things right opens up connection and a chance to see yourself as someone who got it wrong not someone who is wrong.

Here are a few key strategies to keep in mind:

1. Be curious, not accusatory.

Rather than reacting with anger, approach the lie with calm curiosity:

“That doesn’t sound like what really happened—can we try again together?”

2. Focus on connection, not confession.

It’s more important to build a culture where your child feels safe to tell the truth than to extract every detail of what happened. For children who carry shame or fear rejection, safety and connection will open the door to honesty over time.

3. Redirect rather than punish.

Instead of harsh consequences, help your child make amends. For example:

“It’s okay that you were worried about telling me. Let’s fix the situation together.”

4. Talk about honesty openly.

Use books, shows, or everyday situations to explore when and why people tell the truth—and when people tell white lies. (Like when your child points out a grandparent’s hairy chin—sometimes truth-telling needs social guidance too!)

5. Be honest yourself.

Children learn from what they see. Let them see you admit mistakes, express uncomfortable truths, and repair relationships.

Lying can feel like a red flag but often, it’s an opportunity for growth. What matters most is not the lie itself, but the ongoing relationship you’re building rooted in trust, acceptance, and learning together.

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Further support for parents

If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families including our Connect For Kids Theraplay® group and parent workshops on a variety of topics, as well as access to peer support groups.

For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub.

You can also explore our resources for instant support, including newsletters, online support groups, and much more. You can also read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog.

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