Aesop said that “no act of kindness, however small, is wasted”. When we reach out with an act of kindness, it takes us out of defensiveness and brings us into a state of connection. When parents can find ways to help their child explore kindness, those moments can help to strengthen family relationships in small but mighty ways.
Strengthening connection with acts of kindness
When a child feels that they need to be on the defensive – whether it’s due to past trauma, or anything else – they are in the STRUGGLING state, looking for signs of danger, and that can be a quite lonely and isolating place to be.
Every child has a different window of tolerance. For one child, picking out a treat for their sibling in the supermarket might seem like a small act. For another, that seemingly small act could be perceived as a dangerous state in which they might end up with less, which might put them on the defensive.
As a parent, you can help your child find ways to give, receive, share and connect in ways that meet their tolerance levels and make them feel safe and supported as they explore how kindness and connection can work together!
Kindness through sharing
Shared activities like eating and crafting can help children feel what it’s like to receive kindness and act in kind ways in a safe and connected environment.
For example:
- Make and craft things for one another such as drawings
- Share a snack together
- Bring your child a biscuit or other treat and enjoy it with them
- Bake or cook together
- Decorate each other’s snacks with toppings (e.g. grated cheese or red pepper smiley faces)
- Involve your child in jobs and activities around the home
Example scenario: Acts of kindness for kids at the supermarket
Let’s imagine a scenario where you and your child are going shopping at the supermarket. How can you support them to offer an act of kindness in a way that they can be kind to others without feeling like they will miss out themselves? Perhaps you could try:
- “Our pet needs a treat. What treat do you think they would enjoy?”
- “Is there anything you think your sibling / grandparent would like?”
- “Would you like to pick something for you and your sibling?”
- “I would love to get some juice. What flavour of juice do you think I would like?”
Supporting your child in acts of kindness
Some children might find it easier to be supported in an act of kindness by their parents, depending on their window of tolerance.
Demands to give vs invitations to share
Instead of “go and give your brother a piece of cake” (which might make your children feel like they are missing out, and doing something but get nothing in return), you can support their kindness with phrasing more along the lines of “shall we share this cake with your brother?” or “shall we save a piece of cake for your brother?” This phrasing can help your child feel that they need not miss out on anything themselves by being kind to others.
Building a path to kindness in the future
If you feel that your child might be in the STRUGGLING state, and feeling defensive and wary, you can help them explore kindness in a safe way by inviting them to consider possibilities for kindness in the future. This gives them a little more time to prepare themselves. For example, if you are treating them or engaging them in a fun activity without their sibling around, you can ask “next time we do this, shall we do it with your brother as well?”
Staying in the moment
When your child displays kindness, let yourself stay in the moment and appreciate the act of kindness for what it is – a simple and lovely moment of connection where your child feels safe to let their defences down and appreciate the positive feelings that kindness can bring. Tempting as it might be, now is not the time to try to use the moment as a learning tool to point out negative behaviour.
Saying things like “see how nice it is when you do X” or “isn’t doing X this way better than how you were last week” can create negative associations with acts of kindness and sharing.
It is enough to simply appreciate, or thank your child, and let the moment of kindness be enjoyed by all!
Further support for parents
If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families including our Connect For Kids Theraplay® group and parent workshops on a variety of topics, as well as access to peer support groups.
For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub.
You can also explore our resources for instant support, including newsletters, online support groups, and much more. You can also read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog.
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