Why Are School Friendships and Peer Relationships Hard for Some Children? How Can Adults and Teachers Help?

Friendships should be one of the easiest parts of childhood, running, giggling and inventing worlds together. But for some children, especially those who’ve had tricky or overwhelming early relationships, friendships can feel confusing, unpredictable, or even unsafe. This article explores how teachers, parents and carers can help children who are struggling with friendships in school and outside it.

As a parent or teacher, you might find yourself wondering:

“Why does this child push others away?”

“Why do small playground moments turn into big feelings?”

“Why do they struggle to join in… even though they desperately want friends?”

Understanding what is beneath these behaviours can transform how adults support children at home and in school.

Why do some children find friendships harder than others?

Early relationships shape the way children learn to trust, connect, and understand other people. Research shows that when early caregiving is inconsistent, frightening, or emotionally unavailable, children may grow up expecting relationships to be difficult or unpredictable. This can affect how safe they feel with others, even other children.

Reviews of childhood adversity also show clear links between early difficulties and later peer relationships, including fewer friendships, more conflict, and lower peer acceptance. This doesn’t mean children can’t form friendships. It means they may need more support, more patience, and more relational safety to build belonging with their peers.

What’s happening inside the child when friendships feel hard?

Friendship is a social skill and a physiological experience. Attachment theory tells us that children learn how to be with others by first experiencing steady, attuned connection with their primary caregiver. This early bond becomes their template for future relationships.

When that foundation is still forming or has felt uncertain in the past, children naturally find friendships harder. Some children are still working on this foundational bond long after they are babies. They may be learning, sometimes for the very first time, that adults can be safe, reliable, and emotionally available.

To play well with others, a child’s body needs to feel calm, connected, and safe. Polyvagal-informed research explains that when children feel secure, their bodies naturally move into a state that supports eye contact, curiosity, turn taking and shared joy.

But when their body senses uncertainty or possible danger, even very small things like tone of voice, sudden noise or a change of plan their system shifts into protection instead. In these moments, connection becomes harder because their body is prioritising safety.

This can look like:

Hanging back at the edge of a group
Becoming controlling in games
Switching suddenly from excitement to overwhelm or aggression
Testing adults or peers to see if they’ll stay
Clinging to one friend
Avoiding friendships altogether

These aren’t active choices; rather, they are protective behaviours. The child is keeping safe in ways that helped them in the past, or that they know. It is often a sign that the child is operating from a younger emotional age. They may simply not yet have the relational skills needed to manage all the negotiation, flexibility and emotional awareness that friendships require. They’re not behind, they’re building the foundation they missed.

Adults can help by looking gently at strengthening the attachment relationship through play. When children have experienced lots of this with warm and predictable adults they find it easier with their peers. Supportive adult-child relationships shape children’s sense of safety and strongly influence how they interpret stress and connect with others throughout development.

Why do small things feel like big things?

Children who have had tricky early experiences often have more sensitive internal alarm systems. Studies show that early relational difficulties can affect emotional regulation and increase stress responses later.

So, a friend using a loud voice, changing the game rules, or accidentally bumping into them can feel like a real threat. When these children react, they aren’t choosing to “overreact.” Their body is responding before their thinking brain has a chance to catch up.

What helps children build easier, safer friendships at school and beyond?

🌻 A sense of felt safety

Children need to feel safe not just be safe. Supportive relationships change how children interpret the world. Research shows that sensitive, dependable relationships can actually reshape how children experience stress and understand what is safe.

🌻 Playful, structured connection

Children learn connection through doing, not talking. Playful, short, predictable interactions help children practise taking turns, noticing others, sharing joy, and repairing little bumps in relationships.

Group Theraplay® approaches have shown promising improvements in emotional wellbeing, social communication, and internalising symptoms. (https://www.theraplay.org.uk/articles-and-research)

🌻 Adults modelling calm, connection and repair

When adults step in with warmth, for example adopting a “let’s try that again together” approach, children learn that relationships can be repaired, not lost.

🌻 Consistency across home and school

Support doesn’t need to look identical in both places, but it helps when adults share an understanding of what helps a child feel secure.

What can parents do?

Offer lots of little moments of connection (playful eye contact, shared activities). Our lumin&us app can help you build this into your daily routine. (add link)
Practise simple turn‑taking games at home.
Talk gently about emotions (“It felt tricky when the game changed, didn’t it?”).
Keep expectations realistic, friendships take time.
Celebrate small steps.
Be open to sharing thoughts, concerns and ideas with school.

Parents don’t need to “fix” the friendship issues; they just need to keep offering steady connection.

What can teachers do to help children at school?

When a child is struggling, it’s important to remember that their behaviour often reflects a younger emotional age than their chronological age. The most effective support comes from thinking stage, not age. By approaching the situation with curiosity, observation and partnership with families and colleagues, teachers can create the safety and structure that help the child regain emotional balance and success in school.

💭 Observe with curiosity

Notice the child during unstructured times such as lunch, playtimes and transitions. Ask yourself when the concerns began and whether recent changes (staffing, routines, friendships) may have affected their sense of safety.

💭 Reflect on what has worked before

Identify any strategies previously used by teachers or teaching assistants that helped and consider reinstating them.

💭 Provide structure and gentle leadership at playtimes

Offer simple, cooperative, guided activities rather than open‑ended games that can quickly become flashpoints.

💭 Support early repair

Step in promptly to help children restart interactions with guidance such as, “Let’s help you both start again.”

💭 Make transitions predictable

Use routines, cues and consistency to reduce anxiety around changes in the day.

💭 Create supportive small‑group opportunities

Curate friendship groups thoughtfully to build trust, turn‑taking, joy and shared successes.

💭 Reflect together when calm

After incidents, help the child understand what happened and what might help next time.

💭 Partner with parents/carers

Share concerns, gather their insights, and keep them informed. Collaboration creates coherence and reassurance for the child.

💭 Share information with key staff

Ensure colleagues, especially lunchtime supervisors, understand the child’s needs and the approaches being used.

💭 Celebrate progress as a whole staff team

Share success stories widely. Encourage a school‑wide PACE approach (playful, accepting, curious, empathic) so all children, including those who are finding things harder, feel understood and safe.

Supportive school environments which prioritise a playful, accepting, curious and empathic approach for all staff members, with all children (particularly those who are struggling.) are crucial. Research shows that school culture and peer acceptance strongly influence children’s wellbeing.

How our school groups help

Our Theraplay®‑informed groups for Key Stages 1 and 2 give children the chance to:

Experience safe, joyful play with familiar adults
Build connection and confidence with peers
Practise friendship skills in tiny, supported steps
Strengthen regulation and belonging
Carry those relational skills back into the classroom and playground

Schools tell us these groups help children feel calmer, more connected, and more able to join in with peers.

Children who have had tricky early relationships are not bad at friendships or unable to make and keep friends. They are working hard to understand connection in a world that hasn’t always felt predictable.

With patient adults, adequate time provided, playful experiences and environments that help them feel safe, children can and do build great friendships.

Charlotte Jenkins is the founder and director of Beacon Family Services. She is an experienced social worker supporting children and families therapeutically using Theraplay® and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy(DDP)M. She is also trained in Sensory Attachment Intervention which focuses on helping children and parents coregulate their nervous systems to build their relationships.

For more information, contact charlotte@beaconservices.org.uk.

Adoptive Dad Pete Brindley is an Associate Theraplay® Group Facilitator with Beacon Family Services. As a Pete is a foundational Group Theraplay® Practitioner he has led many Theraplay® groups supporting, engaging and challenging children and parents using play.

Pete has vast experience as a primary school teacher. Over the last 20 years, Pete’s focus has been on supporting pupils who are experiencing significant traumas in their lives and whose emotional and social behaviours are impacted as a result. He has worked closely with teaching colleagues, outside agencies and, most importantly, the parents/carers of such vulnerable young people in order to help deal with some of the challenges met.

Pete is also highly skilled in supporting and leading the development of emotional literacy and counselling with vulnerable, emotionally troubled or pupils with special educational needs or disabilities (SEND). Within his role he has explored and celebrated the positive impact of music, particularly through ‘Signed Singing’ with children of all ages and abilities.

For more information about Beacon Family Services Project Salam, contact info@beaconservices.org.uk or 0121 270 0590.

Support for parents

If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families.

For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub for all families, or our Adoptive Parents hub where you’ll find peer support, school strategies, play-based therapeutic services and much more.

You can also explore our resources for instant support and read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog. In addition, you can try the lumin&us® app for parent/child connection.