As part two of a previous blog on adoptive parenting, Beacon Family Services team member and adoptive dad Pete Brindley reflects further on his family’s journey through adoptive parenting. He explores the struggles that led them “off track” and the support that helped them to get back on the right route again. 

The adoption journey: searching for the way forward

Being lost, as in, totally and utterly lost, can be a bewildering, gut-wrenching experience. It might be on a car journey or within a new workplace. What can you do to help yourself in such situations? Google Maps, a compass, signposts, or a helpful (and safe) person to ask directions? In my last blog, I compared my family’s journey into adoption to a mountain walk. We’ve certainly fallen off the path at times and real challenges have shown up on our “mountain.” They have even led to us — very occasionally — to questioning, why we ever thought we could parent our two children?

Adoption Training advice: Expect the unexpected

I recall the phrase heard at Adoption Training, twenty years ago: “Expect the unexpected.” That remains sound advice. While walking through the journey of adoption, we have at times been led to some bewilderingly scary mountain faces with our children. I have then often pondered “Can I still do this good dad thing?” “When will things get easier?”

We sought help at those times but sometimes didn’t know WHO to ask. It is scarily true that, similarly to so many other families, we felt our support network melt away. The UK Trauma Council refers to “social thinning,” — how our children, and we as their parents, over time, can lose important sources of social support (due to the impact of their early experiences on the way they can respond to others socially).

Asking for therapeutic help as adoptive parents

We have over these years required specialist help. We have obtained incredibly valuable help through the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund (ASGSF.) This fund has enaabled countless numbers of families across the UK to access therapeutic, gentle and carefully targeted support for their adopted children. For us as parents on an often-bewildering journey, this funding was a life-changer! It was offered when our son was 10, for our daughter when 8, 12 and 13. Direction, confidence, and hope for our adoptive family were regained through the careful and sustained support provided by several clinical psychologists, all of whom we grew to trust (as did, crucially, our children).

Our children needed the right help…quickly. So did we, as their parents. The support provided improved our understanding of our child, and gave us an ability to start piecing together some of the missing jigsaw puzzle.

What part did our son’s Autism play in how he was reacting?

• What about his ADHD?
• His attachment experiences?
• His dyslexia?
• What about the sibling rivalry that others pointed their questioning (sometimes unhelpful) finger at?

Professional and parent opinion: play is key

So many questions and too many worries to mention. But, in time, there HAS been help and there have been people that just know.

There is no doubt whatsoever that play is a powerful and effective resource for helping our family to work, to be safe, to connect. At home, I always utilise play. It helps my child to engage and helps him want to start engaging again. It distracts, it helps to gain balance between the hyper and hypo. Relying on play, we are then more able to achieve the “optimal” zone within our Windows of Tolerance.

I chose to work at Beacon Family Services because I know how play helps. I have thrived in helping other adoptive and kinship families discover Theraplay® and its power.

Connect for Kids workshops in Birmingham: relational play

Play is always our drive in our Birmingham-based Connect for Kids family support sessions. We keep seeing how it helps to lift up both child and adult who may be struggling. If you’re local to us, why not come and see how play can help get you and your child back on track?

Connect for Kids is a play-based, social, and emotional support group that is designed to help children build confidence in a safe, therapeutic environment. Led by experienced therapists using Theraplay® activities, it’s an opportunity to help to restore or strengthen the connection with your child.

Help is out there – keep asking!

Adoptive parents, foster carers, remember this: At whatever point of the journey you find yourself, don’t forget to shout for help. It is to be expected that there will be times on your journey where you will not be able to manage on your own. There is help out there. That might be through your social worker or contacting your Regional Adoption Support Agency and speaking with a member of the post-adoption support team. Help is out there, DO ask for it.

---

Further support for parents

If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families including our Connect For Kids Theraplay® group and parent workshops on a variety of topics, as well as access to peer support groups.

For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub.

You can also explore our resources for instant support, including newsletters, online support groups, and much more. You can also read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog.

---

We work with organisations, professionals, schools, and charities.

We provide training to use our resources with families and in schools. We partner with professionals, commissioners and organisations to provide in person and online support for families, professional development and training and support and supervision.

---