Clinical psychologist Dr Naomi Fisher explores how parents and mums are dismissed and judged in school reports and assessments for feeling anxious when their child is struggling.
This feature was originally posted on Dr. Naomi Fisher’s Substack and has been republished with permission, along with the featured illustration by Eliza Fricker. Visit Eliza’s website: Missing the Mark
Parents and mums – have you ever been told your own anxiety is making a situation worse with your child at school (or out of it)?
“Mum is extremely anxious”. When things go wrong for children at school, it’s not just their behaviour which is observed. Parents get assessed too.
When things first start to get difficult, and children are showing signs of distress, parents are told they’re over-reacting & making the situation worse. ‘Don’t be anxious, you’ll make them anxious’, they hear. Even though everything about the situation is anxiety-provoking.
When things get worse, and reports are being commissioned, or school meetings are being called, a parent’s reactions get included as part of the assessment.
Mums feel blamed, shamed and judged for feeling anxious about their child.
“Mum not coping”, says the school’s assessment, or “Mum struggling”. Parents (particularly mums, in many cases) feel blamed and shamed. They are the only person in meetings to be addressed as ‘Mum’ rather than with a title. It feels like they have no identity beyond their relationship with their child.
Children’s behaviour and experiences is often taken out of context in assessments, as if it is unprovoked and incomprehensible. The same goes for their mothers. Their anxiety is treated as if it’s a ‘thing’ by itself, quite apart from the circumstances and what is going on.
Parental anxiety is used to devalue parents’ concerns.
School reports and assessments can be framed in such a way that parents are no longer perceived as rightfully concerned because there is something to be concerned about. Instead, they can be framed as being unduly concerned because they are ‘anxious people’. That parent’s concerns are therefore seen as likely to be irrational and are easier to sideline.
Holding up a mirror to sidelining both parents and children because of their anxiety
Sidelining and blaming a parent’s concerns as irrational mirrorswhat can happen to children. Once children are defined as anxious, often we stop asking what makes them anxious, and whether they might in fact be right to be fearful. Instead we say they mustn’t be allowed to avoid whatever makes them anxious.
Mothers tell me they try to put on an act, to hide how worried they are, because they know that any emotion will be used to devalue what they say. I’ve heard of parents not being told extremely important information about their children ‘because it will make them anxious’. In some cases they don’t find out until years later. Keeping mothers quiet is prioritised over their need to know what is happening to their child.
Parents fear their honesty will be used against them in school reports and assessments.
Parents tell me that if they are honest about how hard things are, they are worried that it will all be written down in the reports, and used to argue that their view isn’t reliable, or that they aren’t coping. They tell me they feel that no one really wants to listen.
Parents are offered generic solutions; visual timetables and whiteboards, star charts and stickers. If parents express scepticism or say they’ve tried that already it’s turned back to them, with assessments along the lines of “Mum isn’t keen” or “Mum is reluctant to give it a go”.
Parents know that if a proposed solution doesn’t work, it will be said to be down to them not trying hard enough, rather than the proposed solution not being effective in the situation. Just like if school isn’t working, it’s blamed on families and parents, rather than on school.
Parents end up feeling there’s no way for their voices to be heard. Their role is to be compliant and not make a fuss.
So what is the ‘normal’ response to your child struggling? Parents have every right to feel and voice their anxiety.
What, exactly, is the ‘normal’ response is meant to be if your child is really struggling with school and life and you don’t know where to turn?
What, in regards to school assessments and reports, is the ‘normal’ level of anxiety for a parent to feel and express when you’re fighting for an EHCP for a specialist school which you’re not really sure is going to be the solution, and you’ve already tried three other schools – all of which were bad experiences?
How anxious are you permitted to be if every morning you have to coax your reluctant child into school, and every afternoon you have to deal with the meltdowns and aftermath? When every Sunday is spent dreading Monday, loudly or quietly?
What is the acceptable way to feel when this is your life?
I sometimes say to mothers that I’d be worried if they weren’t anxious.
If a mum said to me, “Oh yes, my child is refusing to go to school and never comes out of their bedroom, but I’m perfectly fine, never slept better, not a moment of worry…” then I’d be worried.
Anxiety is a natural reaction to circumstances which feel unsafe and uncertain.
We’re forgetting to ask ourselves how we’d feel in the same situation. Educational and professional organisations are missing the opportunity to empathise with parents and mums and hear how distressing the situation is.
Of course “Mum is anxious”. Her child is distressed and no one can help. She feels scrutinised and getting support is a full-time job. She has no idea what the future will bring. She knows it will be her picking up the pieces at the end of it all.
Tell me, wouldn’t you be anxious?
About Dr. Naomi Fisher
This workshop will be hosted and facilitated by Dr. Naomi Fisher. Naomi is a clinical psychologist who specialises in trauma, autism and alternative ways to learn. She is the author of several books, including When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse and The Teenager’s Guide to Burnout (both with illustrator Eliza Fricker). She works with families when school is going wrong for their child. She runs webinars for parents on helping their children with common problems and can be found at www.naomifisher.co.uk. You can follow her on Facebook, LinkedIn and Substack.
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