Adoptive dad and Beacon Family Services team member, Pete Brindley, reflects on the role of dads. He invites dads to share their own thoughts, joys, challenges to help other parents and carers whose confidence may be down and are unsure where to go next. 

Memories of Dad & Modelled Parenting

When I think back to my dad, I recall favourite games, including “The Tree.” This involved my dad standing, arms outstretched, swaying in the wind as one or other of my sisters climbed all over him and jumped from his shoulder. We built tents, skimmed stones together, held Saturday Night Grand Wrestling matches and spent happy days making things out of wood.

I loved my dad. I have great and lasting memories of him. I do not take this mutual love, connection and respect in any way for granted. I know that for many others, recollections of their own dads are not as happy or, moreover, are non-existent.

As a dad myself, I now model much of what I do with my children on what my dad did with me. So many parents, whether in same sex relationships, on their own, do similarly — carrying out their key role daily in the best way they can. At Beacon Family Services we are very happy to welcome dads regularly, but it is an inescapable fact we meet far more mums and female carers.

Challenges For Dads – Same Coin, Different Side

There are many challenges for dads and male carers that impact their ability to attend our workshops, which are reflected in some of the same challenges they may face while parenting in general. Namely, logistical challenges with demanding work schedules and responsibilities, being unsure of what they have to offer their child in emotional or educational contexts and being intimidated by getting involved (Parentkind, 2022). 

Often, these challenges are the opposite side of the same coin that can frustrate mums and female carers – gender norms in parenting that place a lot of organizational and emotional labor on mums can also cause dads to feel left out. Similarly, gendered preconceptions can also exclude father figures in non-traditional or LGBTQIA+ families, and socio-economic status may particularly hinder dads from low-income families from participating. I believe, therefore that many dads are missing out; their opportunities for experiencing the “lightbulb moments,” and in turn, greater connection and understanding with their child/ren that are reported by those who become part of supportive communities.

Dads Welcome – And Needed!

We don’t need research to tell us how much dads matter. But that research exists, and clearly states the innumerable but critical ways in which dads and father figures really do matter, no matter the household structure. Results from the Paternal Involvement and its Effects on Children’s Education (PIECE) study, suggest that among other things, “fathers have a unique impact on their children’s academic achievements in the early stages of school” (Parentkind, 2022). Further research points to the conclusion that Dads really do matter, but in a different way to Mums. Read more here, about father figures playing a vital role in their children’s lives.

Being a Parent is the Hardest Role

Whether a mother or father, as part of a heterosexual or same-sex couple, or as a single parent, being a parent is often the most incredibly challenging of roles. There may be days, as one father recently put it during a Beacon session when “I thought I was a good enough parent but now I don’t think I am.” In the same session, a mother, stated that there are days where she feels “frozen,” bewildered with so many new ideas and theories alongside the opinions offered by friends and relatives. When just trying to connect with their child on a deeper level is so hard to achieve, what can any parent do stride on with greater confidence and direction on their journey? How does this challenging role particularly impact fathers, and conversely, what unique skills, perspectives can fathers bring to it?

Calling All Dads – Beacon Family Services Focus Group

Beacon Family Services is forming a focus group to consider how we can develop the most effective sort of support that dads may need. If you are a dad, a male carer or know one that might like to be part of an online group/future in-person groups, please get in touch with us. We value your voice, your ideas, your involvement as we shape and improve our outreach.

The first session of the dads focus group happened in September and was well attended. The second session will take place on Wednesday 16th October at 8pm online. Even if you missed the first one, you are absolutely invited to the second session.
You can email al.coates@beaconservices.org.uk to register your interest or with any questions.

Pete Brindley is a Teacher, an adoptive Dad, former School Senior Leader and Group Theraplay® Facilitator at Beacon Family Services.