As parents, our instinctive response to our children’s distress is often to reassure them with the words, “It’s going to be fine.” While the intention behind these words is undoubtedly comforting, it’s crucial to recognise that this seemingly reassuring phrase may inadvertently leave our children feeling alone with their hopelessness.
We all have a set of core emotions; Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust. Disney’s Inside Out did a great job of explaining their role which I talk about here. Emotions are essential to our survival because they help us make sense of how to stay safe and make connections. But because the ‘negative’ emotions come with secondary emotions, like shame and anxiety, we have a tendency to defend ourselves against them.
As parents we naturally worry that we may not have the right answers or fear we might make the situation worse and resort to quick reassurances.
However, when our children feel anything but fine and we tell them that everything is fine, we risk invalidating their feelings. Our children need to be able trust themselves to explore their feelings to stay safe and connected in the world and this invalidation is confusing.
Exploring Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust requires a nuanced approach.
Parents can empower their children by acknowledging and validating their feelings. By saying, “I can see that you’re feeling scared,” or “I wonder if you feel sad right now,” parents create a safe space for their children to express and process their emotions. Dr Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist calls this process ‘name it to tame it’.
The power of being understood lies in its ability to foster connection and resilience.
When children feel heard and validated, they develop a sense of security that enables them to navigate through their emotions with greater ease. This understanding acts as a compass, guiding them through the stormy seas of their feelings and helping them emerge stronger on the other side.
In contrast, dismissing their emotions with a generic assurance may inadvertently isolate children, leaving them to grapple with their emotions alone.
When as parents we embrace vulnerability and engage in open conversations with our children, we show it is safe to feel ‘negative’ emotions.
By doing so, they not only build trust and connection but also equip their children with the emotional intelligence necessary for a well-rounded and resilient adulthood.
Instead of offering quick assurances, parents can unlock the power of understanding by accepting and acknowledging their children’s emotions. In doing so, they provide a foundation for emotional resilience and a lifelong skill set for navigating the complexities of building relationships.
If you want to begin conversations with your child to explore emotions, check out our lumin&us app. The SCAN function can help recognise the feelings, behaviours and physical responses a child is having, so you can talk about them together. It also has many games and to help them navigate their emotional landscape and to foster connection between you and them.
Search lumin&us on the App Store or on Google Play to download the app for free.
Charlotte Jenkins is the founder and a director of Beacon Family Services. She is an experienced social worker supporting children and families therapeutically using Theraplay and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy.
If you are struggling with your child’s behaviour please contact us here to find out how we can support you and your family.
Further support for parents
If you or someone you know is struggling with family relationships, Beacon Family Services can help. We provide a range of therapies and resources to support parents, children and families including our Connect For Kids Theraplay® group and parent workshops on a variety of topics, as well as access to peer support groups.
For further support, and to see our latest parent events and services, please visit the Families hub.
You can also explore our resources for instant support, including newsletters, online support groups, and much more. You can also read further insights and tips from qualified therapists and professionals on our blog.
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We provide training to use our resources with families and in schools. We partner with professionals, commissioners and organisations to provide in person and online support for families, professional development and training and support and supervision.
Charlotte Jenkins is the founder and director of Beacon Family Services. She is an experienced social worker supporting children and families therapeutically using Theraplay® and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy(DDP)M. She is also trained in Sensory Attachment Intervention which focuses on helping children and parents coregulate their nervous systems to build their relationships.
For more information, contact charlotte@beaconservices.org.uk.